Husbands are funny people. We came to that conclusion the other day, over coffee. As we talked about our husbands, we found that most of them have several traits in common.

Many things about husbands are impossible to understand. They can learn to do housework and laundry, take out the garbage, and cook. They can even learn to fill an icetray, but they cannot learn to put dirty socks in the hamper or to put the toilet seat down.

Husbands don't need the instruction sheet to figure out how to program a new VCR or assemble a set of shelves, but follow recipe instructions with painstaking precision? The only trouble with their cooking is that they believe the four major food groups are sugar, starch, salt and spirits.

Husbands can remember when and where they bought each golf club, but have trouble remembering their wedding anniversary. They think weekends and sports are synonymous. When we are visiting friends, the women gather in one room and talk about careers, children, or current events while the husbands gather in front of the TV to stare at the football game. The only talking they do is to analyze the plays or berate the players, even when the TV is showing replays. At home, they lie on the couch in front of the TV, snoring through the eighth inning of the baseball game.

The TV has to be on all the time! It usually is TSN where they can watch such inspiring programs as Pro Baseball, Arm Wrestling, Drag Racing, or a Tractor-Pull. If they fall asleep, they sit bolt upright if we so much as glance at the remote control, on which they are completely dependent. They never consult the TV Guide, they just flip through all the channels, bypassing commercials as they constantly seek but seldom find a suitable landing spot. This 'channel surfing' must work up an appetite because while watching TV they often eat their weight in junk food. One of their fondest dreams is to find a chip that doesn't break as they scoop up the dip.

An area of expertise common to all husbands is the car. They may not be able to remember our birthdays, but they can name all the makes of cars together with the options available in each. Even if they don't know a fuel filter from spark plugs, they don't like to admit not knowing as much as their skilled auto mechanic. If the car won't run and they have no idea what the trouble is, they say things like, "I should have checked the voltage regulator", or "It could be the timing chain."

On car trips with the family, if they get lost they keep driving aimlessly around looking in vain for some sign from above, rather than ask for directions. Navigating this way makes them feel like one of the famous explorers of old.

Malls tend to overwhelm them. They prefer to drive all over town looking for the items they need in little stores, believing that six stops in small stores takes less time than waiting in line at one large store in the mall. While in the mall, though, if there happens to be a TV set with a football game on, husbands will stop to watch. They apparently cannot ignore the game. We don't know what the attraction is, but at least we know where to look for them when it's time to go home.

Husbands! We love them. We let them believe they are as smart as we are. We let them win at games. Husbands! We need them. We need them to fix things around the house. We need to have someone to blame when things go wrong. We know they love and need us, too. Without us, they might go through life never knowing they had any faults at all.