Orphans of the Storm
by
Fred Narvey
My wife served me the usual meagre breakfast: a half grapefruit, oatmeal porridge, two slices of whole wheat toast with peanut butter and sliced bananas, and a cup of cocoa. Since I am 83 1/2 years old, it is very important for me to go for a short walk after a breakfast like that in order in order for me to develop an appetite for lunch.
The Winnipeg blizzard of April 5, 1997, had already subsided, but the residential streets and sidewalks were still locked in snowdrifts. However, our back lanes were ploughed so that the huge trucks could pick up the garbage. I put on my all-wool long underwear, wool pants, wool shirt, wool sweater, down-filled full-length coat, wool scarf, melton cap with ear-flaps, snow boots, and my elbow-length muskrat gauntlets (the kind that the Mounties wear). I always dress lightly when l go for a short walk. I kissed my wife goodbye and assured her I would be home in time for lunch.
"I know, I know," my wife said, "but why aren't you wearing your ski mask?"
"Because it steams up my glasses and I can't see where I’m going," I answered.
"You'll freeze your nose off," she said. I determined to return home with my nose intact just to prove her wrong for once.
The snow drift in our back yard was four feet high but by taking "giant steps" managed to get to the back lane. We live between Andrews and Powers. I started walking eastward determined to make it to Main Street, four blocks away. I got as far as Salter when I saw a husky young fellow walking towards me. Compared to me he was scantily dressed in a short jacket, denim jeans, sneakers and a tweed cap. I was happy to see that someone else besides me got the idea to walk through the back lane. so l gave him a big smile and a hearty "Good Morning!"
He answered me with one short sentence. "Hand over your money."
I couldn't believe my ears, so I said, "I beg your pardon?"
He answered me in no uncertain terms. "Hand over your money before I kick the s... out of you!"
I could feel the few hairs I have left stand straight up on the back of my head. The kid was standing right in front of me now with his fist raised, and I was shaking from head to foot.
"You mustn't hit me! I shouted. "I'm an orphan!" How this bit of Jewish culture popped into my head at this particular time, I don’t know. But it worked. The kid lowered his fist and stood gaping at me with his mouth wide open.
Finally he said, "I'm an orphan too and I’m hungry. Hand over your money!"
Would you believe it, in that bitter cold, I broke into a sweat. It appeared that I was about to survive, after all. So I took off my wool sweater, dug into the pocket of my wool pants and down-filled coat, unzipped my wool sweater, and handed over all the money I had on me: a five dollar bill and a loonie.
"Thank you," the young man said, politely.
By this time my heart was almost back to normal so I said. "Do you mind giving me back the loony? I need it for a cup of coffee at Tim Horton’s" The kid glared at me but handed the loonie back to me. "You have a good heart," I said to him while zipping up my sweater, buttoning up my coat and putting on my gauntlets.
I felt like congratulating myself on being a good negotiator when the polite young man said, "Now hand over your credit cards!" So I took off my gauntlets, unbuttoned my coat, unzipped my sweater and reached into my pants pocket again but I couldn’t find my credit cards.
"Sorry," I said, "I changed my clothes this morning and I must have left my credit cards in my other pants."
"What kind of a guy are you? the kid exclaimed. "Don’t you ever watch TV?"
"What has that got to do with it? I asked.
The kid answered with a straight face, "Peter Ustinov says: ‘Never leave home without it’!"
By this time my nose felt like it was starting to freeze so I said to the kid, "Let’s you and I go to Tim Horton’s and talk things over. "We orphans have to stick together."
He agreed and we went.
While we were sipping our coffee two burly policemen walked in, looked around and approached our table. "Hell, Henry," one of them said to the kid. "We’ve been looking all, over town for you. Where have you been?" Henry didn’t answer. "What persuaded you to disappear from the 'home' on a cold day like this?" the other cop asked.
Henry finally spoke up. "I was watching a real good gangster film on TV when the social worker showed up. He handed me a shovel and told me to clear the walk. Well, I may be nuts but I’m not stupid! So I told him to take the shovel and stick it up his a.., and took off."
"Well Henry," the cop said, "you’d better come along with us. The social worker is worried about you."
As I walked home, I thought to myself, "I winder what kind of TV program Henry was watching this afternoon at the ‘home’.
Did anything interesting happen during your walk today, dear?" my wife asked. "Yes," I replied, "I think I froze my nose."