Everyone in the world recognizes the symbols of Santa Claus: the long white beard, fat belly, red suit, rollicking laugh, jovial nature, and grandfatherly personality. Santa brings presents to people and toys to nice little girls and boys. Presumably, the kids who are not so good get nothing, or maybe lumps of coal.

Sticklers for accuracy and logic may ask, "How does he get down a chimney with that big belly? Wouldn't the lady of the house be upset about ashes being scattered all over the newly cleaned carpet?" In this day and age, people could legitimately ask whether Mr. Claus is a front for thieves bent on robbery, and might he be drawing a plan of the house and marking the location of the alarm system and valuables to facilitate a later "B and E'? This may sound sacrilegious but if you can't trust politicians or peddlers, how can you trust Santa Claus?

His fat belly is a cause for concern about his physical condition among true believers in Santa Claus. Has he ever had a thorough physical examination? How are his blood pressure, blood sugar level, cholesterol, kidney function, prostate, and lung capacity? Has he ever been checked for TB, HIV or the flu? Does he eat balanced meals? He is obviously at risk of infection considering the large number of visits he makes and the people he meets. Because of his hectic and irregular schedule, his immunity must be low. And sitting in a sleigh in the sky travelling at high speed around the world, he isn't getting enough proper exercise!

His mental health should also be a cause for concern. Anyone who chooses to live at the North Pole year round must be at least a little unbalanced. However, the isolation is mitigated to some extent by having his wife and a bunch of elves for company. Detractors will argue that he prefers the isolation because he is the leader of a cult and can operate virtually undetected at the North Pole. More kindly disposed folk feel that at the very least Santa should consult a shrinkologist. On the other hand, living at the North Pole has advantages. He is not bothered by door-to-door salespeople, canvassers, or telemarketers, or noise from trucks, trains, lawn mowers, chain saws, and all the other delightful labour-saving devices made for our convenience.

Santa Claus gives a lot of candy to kids which is not great for their teeth but a bonanza for their dentists. Dental associations should present him with a large replica of a gold crown in gratitude for his contributions to the dental profession.

One of the most serious accusations levelled at Santa Claus is that he is a sweat shop employer. Witness all those elves working their little butts off year round making toys. They are probably paid below minimum wage, or maybe not at all. Being in no country, the North Pole is not subject to fair labour legislation. It is a matter that the trade union movement should investigate.

Another rumour being circulated by his detractors is that he wants to turn young school children into unpaid salespeople. Under this plan, kids would go door-to-door selling little chocolate Santa Clauses and other items identified with the festive season, ostensibly as a fund raiser for the schools. This scheme would be the ultimate dream come true for the entrepreneurial world — no wages and clear profits except for the portion donated to the schools. It boggles the mind! Whether the scheme violates child labour laws is a matter for politicians to study and try to untangle. These kids are, after all, not at the North Pole.

There are whispers that Santa Claus may be the result of a successful but as yet secret experiment in genetic engineering. The evidence is that beginning each November there is a replica of Santa Claus on every street corner and in every department store in North America. It is anticipated that very soon a biotechnologist speaking at a world congress of scientists will make the startling announcement, backed by reams of data graphically illustrated, that Santa Claus is a clone. The researcher will be undoubtedly a prime candidate for a Nobel prize. Of course, the Santa supporters will lobby to have these findings suppressed for fear of a revolt among the children if they should learn that Santa Claus, who promised them all the toys on their wish lists, was nothing more than a copy. Corporate presidents, CEO's and their Boards of Directors would blanche at the thought of the economic collapse that would surely follow such an announcement.

We all are aware that Santa Claus wears a red suit. Once again his detractors are trying to discredit him by suggesting that he is a communist, and that the colour of his suit is a manifestation of his belief in Marxist doctrine. As evidence they point to the hard labour of the elves. Destructive rumours like this must be challenged because, like the one about cloning, it could have disastrous consequences for the economy.

Even the colour of his complexion is the subject of controversy. His supporters view his ruddy face as a reflection of his jolly nature, although some privately are concerned that it may also be a sign of high blood pressure. The anti-Santa group are quick to point out that his red nose is a sure sign of advanced alcoholism. Those of us who are true believers defend the red nose on the additional grounds that it helps him find his way in the dark on delivery night. This is not difficult to accept considering that Rudolf was placed in front of the other eight reindeer to lead Santa's sleigh.

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