I am 40 years old with a girl friend who is 46. The problem is her 14 year old daughter. She is lying constantly about practically everything she does. My love is at her wits end with this situation. I told her that I would search the net to try to find a solution. Believe me I haven't found too much that is helping this problem. I stumbled upon your site. Since you have a lot of experience with this, I figured that I would ask you.
Little Erin is 14 with the mind of a 11 year old. She is a beautiful little girl in everyone's eyes. For some reason she just can't seem to tell the truth about anything. The problem isn't of a sexual nature at all. She just lies about doing school work, having people over when Mom is at work, etc., etc. If you could possibly shed any light on a solution, Laura and I would sure appreciate it.
Thank you for your fast response.
If I don't want to do my homework, just tell mother I didn't have any assigned. If I want my friends over and mother tells me they must not come, just tell her they didn't So what's the big deal? The adults tell lies all the time; why shouldn't we do the same.
Eventually the lies catch up with us and everything gets confused because we've forgotten who we told which lie to. We all know about that. Telling the truth is really the easiest way to go because then you don't have to remember what you said. When you tell a lie you have to keep it in your mind so that everything else you say will fit the lie. This gets more and more difficult, the further along you get with your lying. We tell the children all this, and sometimes they listen. But often they don't because they are rehearsing in their minds what they will say next; and if it's going to be another lie, they have to figure out how to get away with it easily.
That's the whole reason for lying isn't it - to make life easier. Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier in the first place if mother would welcome the children's friends into her home, and if she would leave the child to manage her school work herself? If she gets into trouble at school, or fails the course, or the year, well, that's that.
Trusting your child to entertain friends in your own home may seem to be a big step, but when you think about it a bit, wouldn't you rather have them there than messing around at some corner cafe. Your home is their home too. It is supposed to be the best place in all the world for them to do what they want to do, AND have their friends in. They are not going to do anything worse in their own home than they would do somewhere else.
All the above is intended to encourage the child's mother to accept her child's telling lies and make it less and less necessary for her to do so. But I don't think you, as the mother's boy friend, can expect to have much impact here. The relationship between the mother and daughter has been established for 14 years. You are coming into the group, already worried because you think the child is retarded, and not understanding why she would tell lies. You say your friend is at her wits end. Well, that may be. Raising a child is not easy and she's been doing it for a long time. Maybe actually it's you who are at "wit's end" - and the problem might not be the child, but the problem might just be that your girlfriend spends most of her time and energy looking after her daughter and has little time left for you.
I hate to come right out and suggest that you are jealous of this little girl, but you should consider this as a possibility. If you were the father of the child, and the husband of the mother, you would not be so alarmed at how much attention that child needs, but coming in from the outside, as the younger boyfriend of this mature women who is seriously engaged in the problems of raising a teen aged girl, you could naturally feel a bit left out of it all.
If you want to remain friends with that lady, I would think the best course of action for you would be to keep right out of the child-raising project. Get to know the little girl on a friendly basis. Take an interest in whatever interests her. If you intend to become a permanent member of her family, treat her as a friend, not a problem. Don't ever try to discipline her, or scold her, or catch her in a lie. Kids tell lies. Accept it. And accept her. Don't intervene when her mother is involved. Be a friend to them both and don't try to solve their difficulties with eath other.
When you are with the mother, alone, and if she really does want the conversation to be about her problems raising the child, just listen, don't preach. And don't even let it develop into a big thing - mothers always have to vent to someone about their children. That is normal. And if you want to maintain a good relationship with the mother, don't go on and on about how dreadful the child is. I don't mean you should trivialize the mother's complaints, but just don't let yourself become a judge. Listen but don't judge.
You must be a friend to them both, or you will be a friend of neither.
Truly yours,
GG