My parents have been divorced for about 10 years now and they live a long ways away from eachother and are very bitter. I talk to my dad about twice a year and see him once every 6 years or so, not consistently... When we do talk, all he talks about is his sex life with his new wife, or how much he hates my mom. He may ask about my baby once at the end of the conversation.. I feel very uncomfortable talking to him yet I feel obligated because he is my father. Sometimes I feel like erasing him from my thoughts.
My mother on the o ther hand lives about an hour a half away from me and she is married to her fourth husband in 5 years, she can't stand to be out of his sight, in fear that he will cheat or actually look at another woman. well, this poses a problem, because it's like pul ling teeth to get her to visit up here to see her grandson. She always asks me to visit there, but we only have one car and it has 100,000 miles on it, we are on a limited budget because I am a stay at home mom. she has a lot of money, two cars and a lo t of free time, but doesn't ever offer to come up. when I speak to her on the phone, I hear 2 hours about some argument she had with her husband but when I talk, it's like that's not really important to her. I don't feel connected to her in a mother daug hter relationship. I called her up to tell her about the montessori school that we were sending my son to, and she didn't even ask any questions about it, didn't even seem interested. It sometimes feels so much easier for me not to have contact with eith er of them.
I try to have a relationship with them but I feel like I am working so hard for nothing, I just end up getting my feelings hurt. But then I still have the need to change my plans for them if they come into town or try everything to go vi sit if they ask me. I am so tired of all of this. what should I do????
thank you, jenn
Dear 26,
Your parents have chosen new lifestyles that do not include you or your son, at the moment. That's a shame. The y have no idea what they are missing, but there is nothing you can do right now.
They have not found happiness in their new arrangements, but that's their doing. Leave them to it; and don't let them use your shoulder to cry on. Since they are not int erested in the family you are building, any contact with you is merely a way for them to reinforce their own mistakes without doing anything to correct them.
One of these days your son will be graduating from high school, or perhaps other children yo u might have will be achieving in their own ways, then yoiur parents will rave to their own friends about their brilliant grandchildren, even if they can't remember the birthdays, or any other particulars!
In the meanwhile, you will be building a bea utiful relationship between yourself and your husband and child that will, hopefully, never deteriorate, as did your parents'. Whatever petty faults you each have will not be permitted to outweigh the strength you find in eachother today.
Your fathe r is relieving his guilt by telling you about his wonderful new wife, while running down your mother. This is sad, but don't feel too sorry for him. He just can't face up to the fact that his first marriage failed but wants you to think that he is still a success at marriage, with this new woman. Telling you once would have been enough. Repeating it simply means he is trying to reassure himself because things are not as rosy as he would like you to believe.
Don't fret about it though; that's his pro blem and he will solve it, alone. Next time he starts in on the myth of his current married bliss, or the horrors of his marriage to your mother, tell him something is boiling over on the stove and you have to hang up!
As for your mother, I really pi ty her. All her maternal instincts must be urging her to come to you and hold you and your son in her arms and be a real granny to him, but she has got herself into some sort of a bind with her latest fling and can't act rationally.
Her own insecurit y is ruining any real happiness she might have, for the present. One of these days she will need grandchildren to fulfil the image she seeks for herself, then she will come over to see you - probably with a camera to record her grandmotherliness for her f riends at the bridge club, or for whatever man she is living with at the time.
But don't go on reorganizing your life for her convenience. Just tell her you can't manage the long trip, tell her about your son's latest tooth, or what he did that was a musing, and when she starts in on her problems with the latest husband, tell here there is something boiling over on the stove ......... !
Swallow the hurt you must be feeling because your parents have selfishly abandoned any sense of family. Concent rate on your own family.
If, (heaven forbid!) in the course of your marriage, you and your husband find it necessary to separate, talk long together about how you are going to maintain a decent relationship with your children. Never forget the mistak es your own parents have made and be sure you don't follow their bad example.
Finally, the only way I can see for you to try ot mend the bridges that have fallen down between you and both your parents, would be by writing letters to them. Tell them d etails about your life and what your baby is doing. Tell them what your husband is doing at work, and all the things you have been doing too - at work or at home - just as though you believed your parents were really interested. Talk politics and weather , if necessary, to make up a nice friendly letter.
Writing the letters doesn't have to take lots of time, just ramble on in the way you would if you were chatting with a friend. Stick your ramblings into an envelope - two envelopes - address them to your mother and father, and mail them away and forget them. You won't likely get answers, but you are doing your part and when either of your parents needs you, they will not be strangers.
Meanwhile, don't worry about your children not having "real" grandparents - lots of children are in that situation and survive just fine, and that's not your responsibility. Their main need is great parents, and that IS your responsibility. I know you're doing a good job of it.
Yours sincerely, GG