I need some impartial advice about how to deal with my Mum. My Mum expects to get her own way, to the point now of expecting my family to stay at home while she goes away for Xmas. In the past we have cancelled days away, moved family outings with our children and put up with remarks about how we have spoiled her day, when we don't fall in line. She frequently tells my sister and I, that the other is coming for dinner to hers, and expects us to join them. She says the other had this great idea of doing "x", all together. She criticises about my sister, my husband, my children, my mother-in law to me. She played up and refused to be involved when my sister didn't have the big society wedding, then caused an awful fuss when she couldn't invite who she wanted. (my sister and I organized my sister's wedding).
The most recent incident is Xmas. We are expected to stay down at home, while Mum goes away with Dad (we don't live with them!). My brother, who lives with my parents does not know if he is working or not on Xmas Day. To ensure my brother had somewhere to go if he wanted, I spoke with my sister to ask what their Xmas plans were, and as it happened they were staying home. I said my family wanted to go to away. My sister immediately volunteered to invite my brother, if he wasn't working. This was great, I tell my Mum, say my sister is going to invite my brother and we want to go away. The next day, my dad tells me, that I upset my mother to the point at which she cried all evening, and accused me of being like my mother-in-law. (no love lost between my parents and my in-laws). I told my Dad and Mum that, we were not staying home to wait until my brother knew if he was working or not, especially, when he had an invite from my sister. My mother accused me of being selfish and self-centred, not thinking ever of them. I pointed out that they where not going to be here, and my brother could please himself to whether he went to my sisters or not and what we did was of no concern to anyone anymore. It did get rather heated
So my mother left my house in a storm, and I haven't told yet we are going to my in-laws. In the past, when I haven't agreed to do as she wants, my mother has portrayed herself as the martyr, and I'm the evil daughter! She has gone on about something until I have given in. This time I will not undo, or change our arrangements.
To be honest I am fed up worrying about my mothers "feelings"more, than thinking about what my children and husband want.This time I thought I was doing the right thing, by my brother, so he wouldn't be alone at Xmas. I know that this will be throw in my face for Xmas's to come but I need to make a stand.
How do I cope with making sure my children and husband comes first, and my mother can not dictate to us when we do what she wants. How do I stop her causing trouble when things are not to her liking? I love my Mum, but not this part of her.
Tell your mother right out that you have made your plans and you intend to follow through. Tell her that you are not an evil person, that you care for your brother, your sister, your parents, your husband and children, and also yourself.
Since it's impossible for you ever to please her and she will continue to complain no matter what you do, just tell her that you don't intend to listen to her complaints any more.
Her family is not the same as it was when you were all young, and she ruled the roost. You are grown up and have other responsibilities of your own now. She must move on too and take on her new life without the children at her beck and call.
She is being cruel to you and the time has come for you to tell her that. She will insist that you are ungrateful and you will say that's not true. You will thank her for all she did for you when you needed her help and that now you need to live your own life and make your own rules.
That's why she raised you - to become an adult and become the master of your own destiny. Tell her that if she continues to complain there is a danger that you will have to choose between her and your husband and of course the choice will be your husband.
Let her whine and cry and tell everyone that you are not a nice person. You know that you ARE a nice person, but that doesn't include letting your mother ruin your life.
If you can gather the strength to tell her very definitely that you will no longer be ruled by her whims she will probably get sick for a while and blame everything on you. There may even be pressure from other family members, but stick to your guns and free yourself from her apron strings.
When the storm has calmed down, you could begin visiting her again, but wait long enough for her to realize that you are serious.
If my suggestions are impossible to follow, then maybe you will find another way to deal with the problem. But as I see it, you shouldn't let your respect for your mother ruin your life. She seems like a very unhappy person to me which suggests that perhaps her own life is not very satisfactory. See if you can persuade her to do something interesting - volunteer at the library, or the hospital, or join a choir or a church - anything she can do that doesn't depend on you and will heighten her own self worth.
Good luck,
GG