While I realize it is important for my son to have friends, I do not feel these relationships constitute friendship as I know it. My son's friends will gladly play with all of the toys but refuse to pick up after play. They call my son names, ie. baby, brat, poop-head etc. I do not allow my son to treat other children this way but don't know how to handle others' children. I know this bothers my son but he doesn't retaliate because I've taught him to be giving and kind. Do you think I should give him instruction in Rude/Crude behavior also? How do I handle these children? Up to this point, I've told him it's his responsibility to work things out with his friends. There have been a couple of times when I've returned the child visitor to his home prematurely because he refuses to obey MY rules, but I've tried to stay out of the children's squabbles. Thank you for your help.
Dear friend,
I don't like your son's friends. I would drop them right now and never invite them back, at least for a few years, hoping that in the interim they might have clued in to decent social behaviour.
In the meantime, you want your child to have the pleasure, and the learning experience, of getting along with other children, so you have some research to do. Find him another circle of friends.
I hope there is a kindergarten, preschool, or daycare centre nearby where you could take him on a regular basis, to learn about other people. He's obviously a nice kid and will get along beautifully with any decent youngsters. You've just happened upon the wrong sort.
Maybe these thoughtless, undisciplined little people with whom he is now playing are neighbours, or family, or the children of your best friends, but no matter. Do not have them in the house any more. And if their parents question you, tell them that both you and your son are upset after the visits and wish to postpone them for a while. If they demand details, tell them exactly what bothers you. Maybe you will lose a friend - but at least your son won't continue to be damaged by these bad experiences.
By all means don't teach him "rude and crude" behaviour. I know you were just kidding when you wrote that - but actually some parents do encourage their children to "give what they get" from idiots - and it accomplishes nothing.
You don't want your child to grow up thinking he is the underdog and the butt of everyone else's mean pranks. And you don't want him to see other people breaking his toys and acting irresponsibly. I know it's not a simple matter, just to change his circle of friendes, but it must be done. And the sooner the better.
Even if you are only able to find one child who ages with yours, to come over and play with him, and if you can set up s nice rapport with the parents, you will be way ahead of the current situation. Drastic situations require drastic solutions.
Remember through it all that it is totally impossible to influence other people's children. Do not even try to teach those little hoodlums how to play properly, and put away their things, Just concentrate on finding some suitable playmates for your son.
Yours sincerely,
GG