Cathy is almost a year old now, I'm out of the Army and we are about to have another baby. We've been trying to get Cathy used to the crib, but its been very difficult. When the crib was is her room she screamed as soon as she relized what was goin g on. We moved the crib into our room and she liked it more but as soon as she gets sleepy enough she cries and cries, we've tried letting her cry but she cries so hard she throws up if let go to long. We've tried letting her fall asleep with us and movi ng her to the crib but she seems to sense this no matter how gentle the move and goes right back to the crying routine. Both my daughter and my pregnant wife are getting bigger now and the bed is too small for the three of us. Have I let this go too lon g? Should I wait until Cathy is old enough to understand more? Whats your opinion? .
Sincerely, .
Going Crazy. .
Nobody warned you that your baby is a learning machine, soaking up information and establishing attitudes at a rate that cannot be equalled at any other stage in her life. Since she has been used as a soother, to help somebody else get to sleep, you could say her presence in the home has served a useful purpose during a time of need, but I wonder how useful to her this experience has been. .
One great benefit of closeness with her parents, and her acquired need to be close to somebody as she falls to sleep, is that for all her life she will probably be a warm, loving daughter, and have an easy ability to become close to others. She will not be the person who shies away from hugs. She will be popular with friends because of the pleasure she derives from close contact. Other chidren who have not had this training in infancy will wonder at her ease with strangers. Being able to come close to people, and to enjoy it, is a rare gift. .
When some relative or interfering "friend" tells you that she is getting too old to cuddle and should never be allowed in bed with her parents, just ignore them. When your next child arrives, I would not suggest that you change your ways at all. In fact, you might find that letting the new baby sleep with your daughter might work well for them both. .
Now I can see all the child psychologists in the hemisphere rising up to say I'm giving dangerous advice. Sorry about that - but as I see it there is much benefit from closeness of any kind, especially within a family. .
Since I haven't given you any advice about how to get your daughter to go to sleep on her own, you may have guessed that in my mind this is not a priority. If you need a bigger bed, that's just one of the problems faced by growing families. If you can't afford a bigger bed, make do with what is there. One of my children needed to feel my presence at night and we put the crib tight beside our bed so I could lay my hand on him while he fell asleep. That son is awaiting the birth of his third child just now and is the most caring, loving father I've ever seen. .
I think some people don't realize that having a child is not like getting a new piece of furniture. The child changes your life entirely. And each subsequent child does it all over again. If you make mistakes (and every parent in the world makes mistakes constantly) you just have to learn by them and try something different next time. Meanwhile, we have these wonderful children with us and have little alternative but to make their lives as wonderful as we can. Trying to mold them into routines that suit us but don't help their growth is one of the mistakes we can all avoid if we just stop and think at every juncture. .
When your question first arrived - simply stating that your child would not go to sleep unless you lay down with her - my answer would be "Well, then, lie down with her." After much thought, and hoping you have come along with me through all this cogitation, the answer still seems to be the same. Lie down with her. .
Later on, you can tell her repeatedly that she can enjoy sleeping alone if she will just let her mind wander along the lines of whatever story you are reading to her currently. Or if she will try to think up new lines for some silly song you have been singing with her, or imagine the adventures of an imaginary playmate you have helped her invent. In other words, she can use her mind to keep you with her while it wanders along familiar thoughts. .
In one week you'll think you are making no progress, but maybe in a month she might be gaining a little courage about going alone into those areas of thought. And if that doesn't work, you'll think of something else, but be sure it's a method that uses your daughter's imagination. Having her cry about being alone has no value at all. If you think she is using her crying and throwing up technique to control you, don't let that worry you. Learning to control one's surrounding is not a bad thing. If these drastic methods get her no results, she could lose her will power and never develop the strong character you really want to see in your daughter. .
Now I'm off on another tangent, but I guess my "advice" to you about her need to be with you during that moment of going to sleep would be, just ride it out. Things change rapidly. It seems like forever just now, but when you look back on this ten years from now it will just be a tiny blink. .
Yours truly, GG.