Granny's Advice

Dear Granny;

My husband and I have had numerous problems with his family, pretty much since we were married 6 years ago. After we had children, things finally came to a head. His family is very critical, sometimes to the point where they are verbally and emotionally abusive, and there is also an alcohol problem in the family (my husband's sister).

Because of the fact that they started trying to play my husband and I against each other, to the point that we were considering divorce, my husband and I decided that it would be best to keep our distance from his family. I have had no contact with them for almost two years, and he and the children have had very little contact. Just recently, however, I made the effort to go for coffee with his parents, but I still have not spoken to his sister.

I have been told by his sister that I am not part of the family, and my mother-in-law feels that I have been trying to rip apart the family, by suggesting that we all go for counselling to clear everything up. They feel that the only way to deal with these issues is for me to ignore, and sweep things under the carpet, like they have always done.

I have tried talking to them, being assertive rather than aggressive, and nothing seems to work. What do I do when holidays come around, and my children want to see these people? Do I take them over to visit anyway even though I may not be welcome? I think no matter what I do, it would be wrong according to my in-laws. I would like my children to be close to my husbands family. How do my husband and I ignore the abuse towards us when it happens? Or do my husband, my children and myself get on with our lives and continue to distance ourselves for our own good?

Please help!

Dear abused,

If they hit you on the head with your sister-in-law's whisky bottle, it would be less abusing than the psychlogical abuse you have been suffering. In some ways it would be better for them to resort to physical abuse; then you could charge them and get them put away.

But I'm afraid the emotional and verbal beating you've been taking over the years of your marriage has made it almost impossible for you to think this situation through logically.

Reading between the lines, it seems to me as if your husband has been just letting this happen, either taking their side against you or sitting idly by while they destroy your self confidence. Mayby I'm wrong. I hope so. But you say you were almost driven to divorce and that makes me think that your husband couldn't choose between his wife and his parents. Most people don't have to do that, but in this case I think he must. And I guess he finally did.

Somewhere along the line you decided to keep your distance from his family. Good idea. Then your hapless effort to regain some sort of civilized contact obviously didn't work. You can probably lay the blame for that on the sister who must have a very dull life and uses this old family feud to make herself seem important.

Perhaps your mother-in-law would be approachable alone, if that could be arranged. Could you ask her to visit with you, and not invite the sister? Could you set up some sort of outing just with his parents? Must your contact with that family always include the trouble-seeking sister?

And if you do go to visit them, don't assume you are not welcome. Get out your new assertiveness and use it. And for goodness sake don't suggest again that they all go for counselling. It might be a great idea but there are a lot of people who consider it to be some sort of family disgrace. If they don't realize the value it could provide, they'll just be insulted.

You can always try to ignore the insults. You can even pretend you don't sense their disapproval of everything you do. But if even a brief holiday visit still turns into nothing but a punishment for you and your husband, your best recourse is, as you put it, to just get on with your lives without any further contact with his previous family.

It seems that you have abandoned any notion of separating over this matter. It seems that your husband has come to realize that his family now is you and the children. That realization will play a very important part of the happiness you deserve. As for the children, don't for a minute think you are depriving them of anything. When they are a bit older, they may wish to look up their grandparents and might benefit from contact with them, then. But now, whatever transpires at the home of these abusive people can't possibly enrich the children's lives. It only adds to their confusion to see adults at their worst.

I'll bet your in-laws are saying terrible things about how you bring up those children and probably feel they could do a much better job. But the facts are that it's your job to rais the kids and you'll do it the best way you know how. Don't let others interfere. They had their chance. They raised your husband and probably did a pretty good job if that, even if his sister got off on the wrong foot. That may not have been their fault. No matter how hard we try, we can't determine the entire lives of our children. But one way or the other, they've had their child-raising time. Now it's your turn.

Good luck
GG

Dear Great-Granny,

I am 20 years old, and I have never met my father. My parents were divorced when I was a baby, and I grew up with my mother and grandmother. I know very little about him; my mother has always said I am better off for having not known him, as he is an abusive alcoholic. I have never tried to press my mother for more info, because it is very painful for her to talk about him, and the topic makes us both uncomfortable.

While I'm grateful I didn't have to grow up with an alcoholic father, I have always been extremely curious about him and his life. I don't want any money from him or anything like that. But I would love to know what he's like. What does he eat for breakfast? Do I have any brothers or sisters? What was he like when he was my age?

I don't have any anger towards him. I am fairly certain that he wanted to be a part of my life as I was growing up, but that my mother wouldn't permit it. My only real link to him has been an old photo album--I've pored over it so many times, comparing our faces and wondering about the scenes depicted, that it's starting to fall apart. I've always wished so fervently that I knew the stories behind the pictures.

I recently found his address and telephone number using a web-based search program. My question, then, is whether or not I should contact him. I am thinking of sending a short letter and possibly a recent photo of myself, to invite him to write or call me.

My friends tell me I am setting myself up to be hurt, because chances are that he won't respond. I feel, however, that I personally have nothing to lose--either he'll write back, which would be great, or he won't, in which case the situation will remain the same as it has for the past 20 years.

My real trepidations concern him. Might my letter disrupt his life? What if his present wife or girlfriend doesn't know he was married before, and she opens it? One could say it serves him right for leaving children here and there, but I'd still hate to mess things up for him. What do you think?

-Confused

Dear confused,

Bear in mind, my friend, that this decision is entirely on your shoulders and cannot be borne by anyone else but you. All anyone else can do is help you think over your problem as you come to your own conclusion. This is what I shall do, to the best of my ability. You might also want to discuss this with some other caring person who is not a member of your family, such as a guidance counsellor at your school or university, or the minister or priest or rabbi at your place of worship.

Asking me was a good idea too, because I do have experience in these things and although I have never met you, I care a great deal for you, and both your parents.

And, since you did ask me, here goes:

You ask me what I think? I think you should try to contact your father. This is not the easy road to take but I do believe it is the only one. If only for practical reasons, you should know as much about him as possible because when you have medical problems later in life the doctors will want to know certain things about both your parents.

But far more important is your own peace of mind. So often we consider the needs of others; our parents, our children, our friends and everyone else with whom we come in contact, but we also have ourselves to consider. Don't become a miserable person by denying yourself the opportunity to know your own father. He may be all sorts of a villain to other people, but to you he is flesh and blood, half of your genetic pool which will affect you and all your descendents forever. It is not a selfish notion to want to see him and talk with him. It is just plain human nature.

If he indeed is, or was, an abusive alcoholic, you might avoid following in his footsteps by knowing more about how he got that way. If he has reformed; you should find out how that came about. And, to be truthful, you don't know for sure whether your father deserted you and your mother willingly or not, and whether he was abusive or not.

The real facts surrounding those years will never be known to you entirely, no matter who relates them to you; your mother, your grandmother, others who were there at the time, or your father, when you contact him. Each will have his or her version of the story and you should never try to decide what really happened, because you will never know.

Judging your father would only be falling into a trap. When you find him, and if he is willing to be your friend, you will have to take him at face value as he is today. Discourage him from discussing your mother, and try to maintain a good relationship with him on an adult basis.

There are possibilities to be considered before you set out. If contacting him is going to devastate your mother, you have to decide whether this is worth the cost. In this case you have two choices. Either persuade her that meeting your father is not an act of disloyalty to her, or else do it secretly.

The former option is by far the best. If you assure her that you are not looking for parenting but simply wanting to see him to satisfy your curiosity, she might be able to accept the idea. If she goes into a rage and her health is threatened by the prospect, then abandon the whole idea for the moment, never discuss it again, and at a later date try to find him discretely. When you have found him it will be up to you not to lessen the attention you pay to your mother. She is still the person who has stuck by you all these years and deserves your allegiance. But she doesn't own your life; and your life can include knowing your father. Remember that it was not you who married the wrong man 20 years ago. Don't feel you must bear the burden of guilt. But be considerate.

I know that will be possible for you because you have sought my advice; an act of conscientious concern for your mother.

The likelihood that your father does not want to have you suddenly appear on his doorstep is another consideration. He may have a family who would be shocked and upset to discover that he has a 20 year old daughter. On the other hand, they may know about you already and be as pleased to meet you as you would be pleased to meet them. This is a chance you have to take, but don't go blundering in without giving your father due notice.

Make contact with your father by email, or by post, or, preferably, by phone. Tell him your name and wait for his response. Expect surprise, of course, and expect him to be at a loss for words. He may not be able to talk to you because of other people who would hear, so break the silence by telling him where you live and what you are doing - school - work - sports. Don't give him your phone number because you don't want him calling back and perhaps getting your mother on the phone. Just ask him when you can meet him, and where, and if he can't give you an answer, tell him you'll be calling him again soon. Then, unless he shows interest, hang up and call him again a few days later.

An unlikely possibility is that he will deny that he is your father. That would be tough but you must be prepared for this eventuality. He might say that your mother may have not been entirely candid. In this case. Do not judge her either. If this man is really not your father, your search will just take a little longer. Don't give up.

Good luck. And remember, there are many, many people going through exactly what you are going through at this moment. One thing is sure. You can't live in peace for the rest of your life without meeting your real father.
Go for it.

Dear Great Granny,

I have found true love all the way in Texas. I would love to go and live there but the health insurance premiums are just too high. I will be 70 next year in May.

Any solutions?

Dear almost 70,

Well good for you! You've found true love! Let's all celebrate. Then, after the hoorays have died down let's examine the situation more closely.

How do you know it is "true" love? Have you met this woman of your dreams face to face? Is she really what has been claimed in those hot and heavy email dispatches which have been burning up your cyberspace for the past few weeks?

High insurance premiums may not be the only impediment to happiness ever after when you get to the Lone Star State. For goodness sake go for a visit. Live with your new found romantic friend for a few weeks - maybe a few days will be all it takes for you to hightail it back to Canada.

Have you thought of the possibility that she might be disillusioned too?

But if it is truly true love, I mean TRULY true two-way love, she should be willing to consider moving in with you, where the insurance would be free if you were ever to marry, or, it might even be worth it to you both to go ahead and live in Texas, if she can't be moved.

I can't believe that an insurance policy should stand in the way of real love.

But first make damn sure you really want to make a permanent arrangement with this person. Then decide if it's worth the permanent move; and who should be the one to do the moving.

If it turns out to be less than the perfect ending you anticipated in all your wonderful letters, just continue the affair on the net and leave it at that.

Look before you take the Texas leap!

Sincerely yours,
GG

(Several months later, the following letter arrived.) Dear Great Granny,

Thank you for writing to Found Love In Texas and supporting him in our getting together. Since I am still working in Texas it is simpler for him to move to Texas until I can retire. I cannot move to Canada until then but it would be so simple for him to move here until then. We have lived together for a few months and do get along and think this is great for both of us. I love him and think he is a delightful person with a wonderful sense of humor and the most gentle, kind person in the world. I could go on and on about his good points but will close now. Thank you again for your wisdom.

Dear GG,

I wrote you earlier in the year about my dad who is 87 and quite senile. The adjustment has been difficult for me, but I am coping quite well to this stage of his life. Now I have a different situation. Dad uses my garage to store some of his things and from time to time he will leave the garage door open when he is finished. This has happened three times in the past three months. I have thousands of dollars worth of tools, my boat, and chainsaws in there. I've tried as tactfully as I know to express to him that he MUST make sure the garage door is closed, but he won't acknowledge the fact that he has left it open. He just isn't aware of his thoughtness nature. Should I just hide the garage door opener and tell him I am worried about my possessions? He just denies that it ever happened. Any other options that you can think of?? I don't want to destroy him, but I also don't want to see my possessions carted off by a stranger. I live in a remote area that is quite vulnerable to robberies.

Thanks,
The concerned son

Dear Concerned son,

How fortunate is your father to have a concerned son because I know your concern includes him, as well as your prized possessions.

You have written, regarding your father's ageing:

"The adjustment has been difficult for me, but I am coping quite well to this stage of his life."

Let's pause a moment and consider this. It is your father who has become, in your words, "quite senile." You say that YOU are coping with this stage in HIS life; well, I wonder how HE is coping.

From your point of view this condition is something that you have to cope with. Suppose this was happening to you, as it well may in time. It's more difficult now for your father to cope with these changes than it is for you.

But setting that aside, let me assure you that you cannot change your father. If there is one message that I have been trying to get across in all my letters to all the troubled people who write to me here, it is that you cannot change other people. The only person you have any hope of changing is yourself.

So, for starters, please dismiss your notion that he has a thoughtless nature, that he just doesn't happen to be aware of. You know from long experience with your father that he has spent his life thinking of others. He has a kind nature but that has nothing to do with his forgetfulness about the garage door.

I know that your concerns about being robbed are real. This can, and does happen all too often, but knowing that isn't going to assure that your dad will remember to lock the door, so you have to think of a clever solution.

Would it be too much of a problem to get one of those little garden sheds with its own lock on it for your father's posessions? Or move them all into the basement, or a spare room in the house. The only way you can be sure that the garage door gets locked after he uses it is to have someone assigned to do it for him, and this becomes a sort of baby-sitting job; or is it grandad sitting?

I don't want to suggest that you should move your father out of your house, but it might come to that if what you now call his senility should develop into a life threatening condition. However, if you think he would always be much more comfortable and happy with you, you'll have to figure out a way to accommodate the treasured belongings that he likes to rummage around in from time to time. Just know that you can not make him remember to lock the door when he's through, and it is not because he is thoughtless - just forgetful.

Please don't argue with him about this. It will only make him unhappy and that's not what you want.

And here's just one more suggestion. How about giving him the key to a little door in the side of the garage, leading into a small closed-off cupboard which does not access to the rest of the garage. Rig up a light in this cupboard, build shelves for his boxes of things, and maybe put a stool there too, so he can relax as he pores over them.

In other words, do something positive to protect your expensive tools and to protect your father's feelings and needs at the same time. But please do not ever scold him for his forgetfulness. And never, never, let your children hear you complain about him. Time passes faster than you could ever imagine.

Very sincerely yours,
GG

Dear Great Granny,

I am a widow,63 yrs of age and I live alone in a small,comfortable apartment. I have lived here for 8 yrs and have become very set in my routines.I fear that one of them has caused a misunderstanding, perhaps, with a neighbor!

It began about five months ago when new people moved into the apartment in another building,directly across from mine. Our livingroom windows are about 30ft apart.

At night,I like to relax by watching t.v. in my nightgown.It is a very plain affair. When this couple moved in I became aware that I could see directly into their livingroom,and they mine at night! At that point,I think I erred,for I decided to play a little game of showing him some 'cheesecake' by letting my gown ride up very high when I moved around on the couch! I thought it harmless,until I noticed how much attention I was receiving from him!

By the next night I stopped my silly behavior, but he continued to wear next to nothing. After a week or so,he was totally naked as well as the female!

It did not particularly bother me but,several of my friends who have visited me have also observed this couple in the nude, but, mostly him.

Did my actions cause this? Would it have happened anyway? What should I do? I thought of complaining to the management of the next building,but,this has been going on for monthes now,and I have done nothing!

To this day I still see him naked,but, I refuse to change my habits as it is so warm in the evening. I do have curtains but,they are sheers that allow the air ro circulate. And I am very comfortable in my nightgowns. It's all very embarrasing.

Judith

Dear 63,

There is nothing unusual or unacceptable about the little game you decided to play with the man next door; your actions were intentional and you are certainly old enough to know what you were doing, and why.

When you say you thought it harmless, do you mean that it would not harm him, his female companion, you, or the friends you would eventually invite in to enjoy the results of your prank?

In any case, it is quite obvious that the man you were sparring with has taken you on with your own choice of weapons. Either he is enjoying the engagement or has decided to teach you a lesson. The fact that "the female" has joined him as a player in this little drama would lead me to believe that whereas this started out as a one-way tease on your part, you will continue to be in for the backlash until he is satisfied that you have had enough. Don't be surprised if they copulate on their well lit sofa with loud music to attract attention the next time you invite your friends to tea.

Now to your questions:

Did your actions cause this? Probably.
Would it have happened anyway? Not likely but who knows?
Should I complain to management? Not unless you want a counter-complaint that you have been wriggling around on your sofa semi-clad.

Those are your only written questions, but I think you have another question. What you want is some sort of vindication for what you have called "silly behaviour." Also you'd like someone to tell you to change the habit you say you are a slave to: sitting half naked on your sofa where neighbours can view you through your diaphenous curtains.

Alright then, my dear, I hereby grant you permission to continue. Also continue to ogle your neighbour's lovely nude torso to your heart's content, and you might even collect for some worthy charity from friends who would like to join your peeping Tom club.

Or, you might feel more comfortable about the whole episode if you were to wear pyjamas on that sofa, pull down the shades, or venetian blinds or get thicker curtains, or move the furniture so you're not in full view of the neighbours - in other words, call quits to this particular game.

You must know by now that a time will come when you meet those neighbours in a situation that will be terribly embarassing to you all. By then, hopefully, you'll have moved along to some other evening pastime and if they are decent people (as most people are) they won't mention it.

If you find television as boring as I do, you'll abandon it and start exploring the Internet to broaden your horizons.

You say it is your need for a routine that caused you the trouble - nonsense, that had nothing to do with it. Loneliness made you flaunt yourself in front of the man across the way. Don't be ashamed of that; and don't try to disguise it as something else. But for goodness sake try to befriend real people, not strangers. And mark this amusing adventure as nothing more than that: an amusing adventure. Life is full of them, believe me, and you are still young.

Truly yours,
GG

Dear Great Granny,

My Grandmother lost her husband of 69 years. He had Alzheimers disease. She had a stroke after that, has been severly depressed, and her health has declined greatly in the past few months.

What can I do for her mental health. She has so much to give and is as sharp as a tack.

Worried Granddaughter

Dear Granddaughter,

Your grandmother is indeed fortunate to have a granddaughter who cares this much about her; all grandparents should be so lucky.

Just being there and making her know you care may be the best thing you can do for her. Don't be surprised about the stroke, the depression and the decline in health. The time when her husband was suffering Alzheimers have taken their toll on her; it is always the caregivers who are left with the deepest scars. Time will heal, however.

As you say, she is sharp as a tack and has so much to give. I'd say she has been giving for quite a while and if there is any way you can put her on the receiving end, that would be a boost for her morale. Not just little favours, but real gifts of time and energy - to lift her spirits. Find the time and be with her as often as you can. Don't impose, don't criticize, and don't even give advice. Just be there.

After so many years of living the life of her husband (because that's the way it usually is in these long marriages that commenced way back then) it will take her a while to get into the groove of living her OWN life now. Believe me, it doesn't just happen overnight.

And also since her pattern of life has been of giving and helping others, make a point of needing her for some real help - advice is the best. Ask her about your own problems and listen carefully to what she has to say. Don't do this just to "please" her, take it seriously. You will be surprised, if you let her in on your own real problems, how much wisdom she has stored up. Experience does impart wisdom. Grannies know a whole lot more than you would suspect.

Please try these things and let me know if you are able to improve her state of mind. You are already on the right track; you asked the right question. If the mind is feeling better, the physical condition will too.

Yours,
GGD

Dear Granny:

I have a 3 year and 2 month old boy who is refusing all potty training efforts. We started trying about a year ago and he started making progress then refused. We then let it go. Last April we had a new baby so I decided not to push potty training then either. In September he entered a preschool that refuses to change his diaper so we started potty training again.

I feel like we've tried everything--potty books and videos, buying fun underwear, offering incentives--and they all work for just awhile, then he starts refusing to do it on the potty again. I have been talking about this to a lot of people, including "experts" and some say I should stop all efforts, that he has made it into a power struggle, and others say I should push harder. So now my husband and I are really confused about what to do at this point. Do you have any advice? Thanks for your help.

Dear potty parents,

That's meant to be a joke, not a jibe. I've seen some parents almost go potty over the very same problem you folks are facing. From the look of it I'd say you have been dealing with it in a very sensible way. But since none of your sensible methods have worked thus far, it's time to innovate.

It took me a long while to get back to you and I imagine that in the meantime you have done some more proactive things about it. Maybe your son has finally got the message, but if not, well here's a thought.

If the potty books and videos, and the cute underwear and rewards each worked for a short time, let's imagine that even at such a tender age as three he has discovered how to get his parents to keep innovating in his favour. He's bored now, perhaps, and knows that if he just refuses to use the potty he'll get lots and lots of attention and nice things again.

Now you certainly don't want his need for attention to go unnoticed, specially with the new baby, whose presence may very likely be the cause of the whole slow-down in his own potty development. That baby, from conception to this moment, has been needing a lot of your attention which previously had been lavished on the little fellow there who is just three years old now - and a few months.

Suppose you were to make much of him on occasions that had absolutely nothing to do with potty training. Change his diapers automatically, giving no sign that you disapprove or even care, one way or the other. Don't even talk about, or anything at all while you're doing it. Just do it and get on with whatever else is at hand.

(While you're changing his diapers you might give a little thanks to whoever invented the simpler and simpler systems available today. It's really not relavent to your question, but I spent many years, first making diapers out of soft flannsl, hemmed on all sides and sometimes double, and knitting the "soakers" they wore on top to absorb any moisture that might seep through before I got to change them, then diapers were cleaned off and kept in a covered pail but not too long for the amonia smell would get too strong. Then they were washed in the old washing machine, fed through the wringer, and hung on the line to dry. If any of the children had measles, mumps, chicken pox, croupe or a bad cold the diapers would then be boiled in a large copper tub on the stove. I used bright striped flannelette to make them because white ones never stayed white. Bleach would give the babies diaper rash so I never used any and if it rained on the clothes line faint gray streaks would show up. So my family looked quite cute in their bright coloured diapers and heavy knit soakers. But it sure wasn't as easy as pulling diapers from a carton and thowing it out with the garbage. Sorry for the digression, but you started this discussion and that's just where it took me.)

Back to basics. While you are getting the message across to your son that whether he pees in the pot or in his pants could not matter less, you might also pay special attention to him on other levels. Get something going between you and him, and make him know that because he is so much older than the baby, he gets to do "adult" things. You read, sing, play something, do puppets, paint - whatever - and schedule your day no matter how busy you are to spend that time with him. Both of you. Sit down with him and play cards - go fish - or something that makes you all laugh together.